When being loved meant losing myself
My younger self always believed that being loved meant being available at all times even if it meant putting yourself last and feeling empty by the end of the day. I gave my everything to the people around me. But I felt left out, mainly when it came to my friendships. And when at home I was trying to do whatever made my parents happy, even if it meant choosing a job option which only interested me because I knew my dad would be pleased if I chose it. My parents never really forced me but always praised the idea of becoming a doctor so much and made other careers seem less important and without meaning to I never allowed my brain to try or even think about any other career paths.
The pandemic pause: When I finally faced my thoughts
Then came the year 2020, like everyone else I was also locked up in my house due to COVID and was left alone with millions of thoughts for the very first time, that my whole day kinda went busy with school and tuition classes or I was watching YouTube in my free time, because of which I never really paid any attention to what goes on in my head.
Now when I was forced to pay attention to my thoughts, I went into this deep phase of self-realisation that 15-year-old me was not ready for.
Realising my career dreams were never mine
That’s when all the self-doubts started to hit and specifically the understanding of what I thought I wanted to choose as my profession was not really something I wanted to do for myself but it was only for my father.
With so much self-realization came the understanding of why putting myself first is so important and being selfless can sometimes be a form of mental self-harm
Breaking the pattern: Learning to put myself first
Practicing to say no whenever needed and putting myself first was my first step into letting go of my old patterns which were making me attract wrong friendships. As I have mentioned in my previous blog, it is very important to break through old patterns in order to grow in life and become the best version of ourselves.
The Fine Line Between Selflessness and Self-Abandonment
I am definitely not saying that being selfless is wrong, in fact, it shows how big of a heart you have.
But we often miss the fine line between being selfless and self-abandoning/ forgetting ourselves which comes after repeated “selflessness”.
Yes, go out and help people without expecting them to return the favor.
Yes, offer your time and make efforts for your loved ones.
Yes, project all the love and care you can to people around you.
But, between all of this don’t forget to help yourself and make time for yourself to take care of your mind, body, and soul. Or else you’ll end up abandoning yourself and you won’t even realize.
Don’t say, “yes” when your heart screams “no”
Don’t cancel your plans and need to accommodate others every single time.
Choose when and how to give and don’t settle for people who don’t return the same effort.
Not being able to say “No” is one of the highest forms of self-sabotage, that we do unknowingly every single day.
Choosing Yourself Feels Wrong—Until It Feels Right
At first, choosing yourself can feel very wrong. At least for me, it did. I was worried that I was turning into a selfish person or that people thought of me that way. But by the end of the day, I was free from the burden of saying yes to people when I wanted to say no.
Eliminating the Wrong People Makes Space for the Right Ones
Another difficulty it came with was that I was being wrongly judged by people for keeping myself first, but there were also some people who understood me. As a result of saying “no” whenever I wanted to, people who were not right for me and didn’t want to understand my side of the story got eliminated from my life and created space for new people who understood me and were willing to return the same efforts
